Birthday Jon

On January 23, 2006, Frosty turned 29 years old. To celebrate the event, the day before his birthday, Frosty put together what he referred to as "a little shindig" at Barney's Beanery in Santa Monica. It turned out to be an evening to remember. Even after knowing Frosty for over 20 years, a side of Frosty emerged that night I had never seen the likes of. It was his alter ego. An alter ego that can't say no to a drink. An alter ego that gets belligerent and crazy. An alter ego that dances with chicks. An alter ego that knows how to have fun. An alter ego Darren and I have appropriately dubbed, "Birthday Jon" (*sound trumpets*)...



Ingrid was working that night and couldn't make it, so Darren, Frosty and I headed out and got there early to greet any early arrivals. Well guess what? There were none. Still, guests or no guests, there was no stopping Frosty from doing what he loves to do on his special day. Time for some chicken wings!



One of the first guests to arrive was Steele's sister, Mary, who came by to wish Frosty a happy birthday. Unfortunately she came at feeding time and Frosty seemed more interested buffalo wings than birthday wishes.



Ahhh... one drink and two wings down. A solid start to a great night, Frosty. Now let's ease up on the wings and ramp up on the drinks!!!



For our birthdays Frosty gave both me and Darren custom T-shirts, so we couldn't help but return the sentiment on his birthday.



After much deliberation about what type of shirt to get, Darren and I finally narrowed things down to two pictures worthy of transforming into a shirt. The first shirt commemmorates Frosty's love for food...



... and food's love for Frosty. How fitting... I could be wrong but I don't think Chicken Leg likes to see Frosty in bed with Cupcake (notice the intact cherry on top).



Frosty then opened his next gift... another custom made T-shirt. You might notice that each T-shirt has something printed on the back of it near the neck. Well that was a very important disclosure we felt necessary to include...



Frosty, these shirts are not intended to be a food product. Please do not eat them.



Frosty quickly changed out of his dress shirt into this one which explained how Frosty became a "SnowMAN." Darren was the mastermind and artist behind this shirt. Equipped with years of experience giving girls those cheap, I mean "thoughtful," gifts such as collages, cut-out cards and cardboard picture frames, Darren has become an expert of the cut-and-paste. Rather than use Photoshop on a computer as most of us would, he Ghettoshopped it and literally cut-and-pasted this together using paper and glue. Below is a before and after.

BEFORE:




AFTER:

INSERT PICTURE OF SHIRT.

Although Ghettoshopped, I must say that it does look pretty good. And it's much funnier than the original. Good job, Dirty...



After changing shirts, Frosty got back to what he loves best...



...and I joined him. Frosty's friend, Catherine, got him a very fancy martini glass with instructions on how to prepare a particular cocktail printed on the bottom of it. I asked the bartender to follow the recipe and prepare the actual drink in the martini glass. I wasn't a fan of the concoction, but the glass was pretty cool.



The gods must have been shining on Frosty that fateful Sunday evening, because that night would mark a historic event for his other true love -- sports.



Surrounded by chicken wings, sandwiches, sports, drinks, his cell phone and his friends, Frosty couldn't have been happier.



This is about the time I started realizing that Frosty was drunk. He kept shouting, "Give it to Kobe!!! Give it to Kobe!!! GIIIIVE IIIIT TOOOO KOOOBEEEEEE!!!" repeatedly. Realize that not everyone at the bar was watching the game, so to them, Frosty looked like some crazed sports fan... Oh wait a minute. He is.



It was a night to be remembered. A night filled with historic, earth-shattering events of record-breaking proportions, and Kobe's 81 point game was just the beginning...



Frosty's friends from work, Catherine, Veronica, Marisol, Kara, Danayi, and EJ joined the party to witness history about to be made.



It just so happened that Darren's sister, Tracey ("Tracer"), was there to celebrate her birthday as well. Good thing she told Frosty in advance so that he didn't feel like she was "encroaching" on his birthday fun like Darren and I did at Frosty's last "shindig." I must mention that the family resemblance is undeniable. I'm so sorry you share genes with your brother, Tracer...



Speaking of shared genes, Darren's little brother, Lil' Kev, and his buddy made an appearance and sipped some brews.



Another drink, Frosty?!? Nice!!!!! Good thing we spiked this one with Tabasco. You didn't seem to mind much, though. And it was shortly after Frosty finished this drink that he turned into his alter ego, Birthday Jon!!! (*sound trumpets*)



Oh yeah! We love Birthday Jon! BJ! BJ!! BJ!!! (not to be confused with Blowhard Jon, or any other type of BJ for that matter).



WOW!!! This is simply amazing!! Birthday Jon shares his food instead of eating it all by himself! Darren was clearly in disbelief as he witnessed this unheard of event...



... but then made the mistake of assuming that Birthday Jon shares ALL of his food. After Birthday Jon snatched this sandwich from Darren's jaws, he quickly realized he was wrong.



Here's Birthday Jon being belligerent and knocking shit over on the table. BJ! BJ!



Later in the night, Haji showed up and couldn't help but laugh at the shirts we made for Birthday Jon. It turned out that instead of including a request that Birthday Jon not eat his shirt, we should've requested that he not throw ice.



Because that's exactly what Birthday Jon did. One of his many victims was Darren who suffered a small cut on his forehead after Birthday Jon cocked his arm back like Randy Johnson and then hurled a piece of ice at Darren's face, releasing it just inches from Darren's forehead. Good job, Birthday Jon. Steeeeee-riike!!



Chris and his new girlfriend also made an appearance. I had never met her before, but she looks awfully surprised there. If she's surprised at this point in the night, I'd hate to see her later in the night when Birthday Jon got super drunk.



Looking back at these pictures, I realize that EJ is the person responsible for getting Birthday Jon bent on giving the finger to everyone and everything in that place.



If he had more hands, they each would've been giving the finger.



It was like his hand was stuck in that position or something.



Well, it eventually got to the point where I had to pour some salt on Birthday Jon's bird flipping, literally. While he was busy giving people the finger, I emptied half of a salt shaker into his glass and then we all encouraged him to rehydrate and drink some water. There was so much salt in that glass you can see it in the picture. Luckily for him, he didn't use the straw.



After rehydrating, Birthday Jon and some friends made a toast. Here's to Birthday Jon!!!



In the meantime, me and the Haj-meister chatted and posed for this shot. We're supertough.



A master of camouflage, Tracer changed her skin color to match the color of her drink and the background. If it wasn't for her teeth, you wouldn't be able to see her.



A nickel for your thoughts, Birthday Jon?



"I'm hungry!"



Birthday Jon then left to the other end of the table to search for any leftovers or unclaimed food.



While BJ was searching, I made him a birthday diaper out of a plastic bag, which he immediately placed on his head. Looks good on you, BJ!



Like a soldier, BJ pounded another drink as EJ cheered him on. Go! Go! Go!



And then, the neckchopping began. Once again, Darren was the victim of numerous solid and unexpected neckchops. Sucka! I'm convinced Birthday Jon would've continuted neckchopping Darren all night long if not for the arrival of birthday cake.



Whoever arranged for cake was smart and knew that even Birthday Jon was unlikely to share a chocolate cake and got Tracer her own birthday cake. After Tracer convinced Birthday Jon that he really did have the larger piece, they sat down and made a wish.



He's going for your cake, Tracer!!! Stop him!!!



Aww... Too late! But I understand, Tracer, the most dangerous place to be is between BJ and his food. The cake was apparently finger lickin' good.



And then another amazing thing happened for the second time that night. Birthday Jon shared his food again! Shocking! Apparently, that the only time Birthday Jon is willing to share his food is when he actually feeds it to you. He fed me the chicken leg and then fed Danayi the cake.



During this time, karaoke signing had begun. They dropped a curtain from the ceiling and the laid down a wooden box to serve as a stage. It was, without a doubt, the jankiest makeshift karaoke stage ever, but nothing could deter us. As Birthday Jon enjoyed his cake, I was busy submitting my request for "Happy Birthday" as the next karaoke song.



It took some convincing, but I rounded some people up and we all went on stage to sing Happy Birthday to Frosty and Tracey.



Toward the end of the song, Birthday Jon and Tracer joined us on stage.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROSTY AND TRACEY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!



Yeah, that's right. Even though we sing karaoke, we're still supertough. Especially me.



Frosty's friend who has never met the likes of us before probably thought we were looney. Lil' Kev, on the other hand, is more than familiar with our antics and remained cooldaddy, as he always does.



As EJ and the gang searched for a song to perform, it looked like the numerous drinks Birthday Jon consumed finally began to take its toll. All we could hope for was that Blowhard Jon wouldn't take over.



"Is that the bathroom over there?..."

I escorted Birthday Jon to the bathroom where he entered the stall and began making those sounds we've all made before... BLAAAARRRGPH!



RAAAALLLPPHHH! Even though I laughed when I took this picture over the top of the stall, I took it knowing that I would later comemmorate Birthday Jon for being such a soldier that night. I was genuinely impressed. And Frosty, that's why I didn't neckchop you when you threw ice at me. And that's also why I didn't neckchop you for turning 29. Seeing Birthday Jon that night actually inspired me to create the following motivational plaque:



I'll frame this for you, Birthday Jon. That way you'll always remember that there's no real limit to alcohol consumption (just think of it like you think of food consumption).



When Birthday Jon and I returned from the bathroom, the gang still hadn't decided on a song to sing. Of course, after making room for more alcohol, there was only one thing to do.



Fill up that empty space. And like a champ, Birthday Jon did just that.



Yes, Birthday Jon,... you are the champion. For once in your life, you have proven you can hang with the big boys. You can now consider yourself a member of the club.



But being a member of the club doesn't mean you can do the Macarena... Consider your membership revoked!!!



Others were singing karaoke that night and when we got the waitress to take this picture, Lenny Kravitz and Ma$e crashed the photo opp...



Yet another groundbreaking event! Birthday Jon with a chick on his lap!!! That's absolutely amazing! EJ apparently felt it was worthy of applause and I agree. Can't help but love Birthday Jon.



We must definitely have a toast to commemmorate what just happened and all the things that happened throughout the night. Kobe scoring 81 points? Birthday Jon drinking every drink that was offerred to him? Birthday Jon getting belligerent? Birthday Jon sharing food?!? Birthday Jon with a chick on his lap?!?!? Could there possibly be more?! You better believe it. And I have the pictures to prove it.



Birthday Jon, for your birthday, I want to give you this drink. Let me tell you, my friend, that it's no ordinary drink. This is a magical drink with special powers. You've gotta' drink it because if you drink it, he will come...



If you drink it, he will come...



If you drink it, he will come...

Who you ask? Well, none other than Robo Birthday Jon, of course!!!



I had never before seen the robot done to Baby Got Back, but hey... as everyone learned repeatedly that night, there's a first time for everything.

"Turn around.
Stick it out.
Even white boys got to shout,
BJ got back."



I'm not sure why Mase thought it was okay to string Robo Birthday Jon along, but it was a good thing I didn't see him because I would've punched Ma$e in his face, even if he is a reverend now.



When this stranger in the yellow started dancing near Birthday Jon, it was time to intervene.



"Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt."



Frosty... you're liking that way too much.



If this isn't the look of a person having a good time, I don't know what is.



Birthday Jon saw the yellow shirt guy moving in on Christina Aguilera and wasn't going to be c**kblocked on his birthday.



Christina seemed intent on singing to Birthday Jon rather than the other guy.

"I want 'em real thick and juicy,
So find that juicy double."



"I've seen them dancin',
The hell with romancin'
He sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette."



"I like 'em round and big,
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal.
Now here's my scandal."



"Deep in the jeans he's wearing,
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
Oh, BJ, I wanna get with ya',
And take your picture."



After Birthday Jon's stellar performance on stage, we all had to congratulate him on becoming a real SnowMAN.



A taste of rockstardom went a long way with Robo Birthday Jon and after his success on stage, he became a dancing machine.



He grabbed the waitress and started dancing with her. Can you believe this?!?!



I can honestly say that in over 20 years of knowing Frosty, I've never seen this before.



All of Birthday Jon's dancing got Danayi in the mood to dance and she joined Lenny Kravitz and Ma$e on stage to shake her thang.



With all that dancing, Robo Birthday Jon's batteries were running low and he had to power down for a moment to recover.



But after a quick recharge it was once again time for Robo Birthday Jon to take the stage.



He grabbed Catherine and Danayi and convinced them to join him.



The three of them stood right in front of the stage and robbed the current karaoke performers of the spotlight. It was great.



And finally, after an entire night of perusing the karaoke song list, EJ, BJ, Catherine and Danayi selected a song to perform. Bobby Brown's Don't be Cruel was the song of choice and it was their time to take the stage.



"Girl, the only thing that matters in my life,
Is that I'm down for you and treat you right,
You've got no call to treat me cold as ice.
Oh oh oh, girl, as long as I've been givin' my love to you,
You should be givin' me your love, too,
But you just keep on actin' just like a fool.
You know it ain't cool.

Uh don't be cruel.
'Cause I would never be that cruel to you.
Uh no, oh oh, no,
Uh don't be cruel.
Uh girl, you need to change your attitude.
Uh no, oh,
Uh don't be cruel."



Of course what Birthday Jon wanted to do most was not to sing, but to dance. And dance is what he did. Go Frosty, it's you're birthday! Go Frosty, it's you're birthday!

Well after taking so many pictures that night, my camera ran out of batteries. So I didn't get a chance to capture Birthday Jon (1) wanting to punch homeless guy, (2) nearly throwing up in Darren's car on the way home, or (3) stumblin' mumblin' to the front door of his house. But even without those pictures, we captured many amazing pictures of this fantastic night. Thanks to all of you for coming out and a special thanks to those of you who snapped so many great shots with my camera.



Attention: Darren and I are hoping that one of you has some information that might help us find our friend, Birthday Jon. We haven't seen him since we dropped him off at home that fateful Sunday evening. If you have any information concerning his whereabouts, please contact either Darren or me immediately.

That said, Frosty... although Darren and I would like to see more of Birthday Jon, whether you're Frosty, Blowhard Jon, Birthday Jon or Robo Birthday Jon, we love you. Happy 29th birthday!!

To see all of the pictures from that night, click here.